The Americans have just called me offering me a job. Better company than my current Cantonese Handbag Factory employer. Let me explain, a few months ago my current employers started acting the fool after I had stamped my authority too hard on the slack jawed work force. I was fresh from London and had no idea how the Cantonese did things, indeed how poor they were at making handbags. In Europe we have a rare and much sought after commodity called CREATIVE THINKING where we make handbags from scratch. In fact, we invent the CONCEPT of handbags and then refine the use and consider things such as the quality of manufacture, the image it projects, the form and the function and WHY does it need to exist in the first place. All good Handbag manufacturers should be able to answer any constructive criticisms of their handbag design as a test to the durability and integrity of the creation. I started this dialogue when I on my first day as it’s par for the course in Londres but it didn’t go down a storm here simply because my company has NO IDEA why they make handbags THEY JUST DO. And the Handbags my company churns out are made the way they are because they just COPY COPY COPY successful handbags. That’s all they, and now I, do all day, knock out imitation handbags. My colleagues remonstrate ” but this is a classical style handbag” or ” this is an Art Deco” handbag without knowing ANYTHING about classical traditions or the Art Deco movement. What is classical? Well there are all these funny looking columns and some statues of David. But why have a column and why does it look like that? They haven’t a clue. My co-workers brains don’t go further than the superficial layer. Questioning their designs brings forth giggles and/or embarrassment.
After a quick breeze around Aberdeen I’m feeling a bit more benevolent today. First things first, Aberdeen is, what we call in the trade, a shit hole. Ok, ok, maybe not all of Aberdeen is but the ”town center” undoubtedly is. Unless, of course, you have Hong Kong tinted glasses on which case all of honkers is one groovy east-meets-west-Asian-European-nirvana however, those of us in the real world know that Aberdeen houses the poor and is seldom in the guide books save for the floating turd Jumbo restaurant. Anyway, the sun has got his hat on and it is boiling hot on the rock of Hong Kong . THIS is why we came, to escape the drudgery and misery of the UK and, for a bit of currant bun. Since the turn of the year it has been pretty miserable, but today it has picked up considerably and I predict it to continue all week as sun like this doesn’t just disappear overnight. My walk to Aberdeen central was transformed into a pleasant stroll in the sun where I laughed and danced with the locals who welcomed me with open arms and warm, warm smiles. So, here is to the first day of summer, to more exploration of Aberdeen, to stop moaning about things beyond my abilities to change and to September when we can move apartments and where I can re-evaluate my current employment situation. It’s going to be the summer of grind albeit in fantastic weather which you don’t get in the central areas thanks to Mr. Smog and Mrs. Pollution. Every cloud has a silver lining. I love Aberdeen.
Glenn ‘medieval village idiot’ Roeder has decided to the decent thing and kill himself, leaving the path wide open for Sam ‘Victorian Mill Owner’ Alladyce to step in and, once again promise another New Dawn. Every season Newcastle supporters genuinely believe that this season is going to be The One and each season they get crushed under the feet of the Big Four leaving poor Jawdee folk scratching their heads, wondering where it all went wrong and coming up with their own Final Solution – Sack The Manager. It’s the war cry of most supporters when things go wrong but for the Jawdees it’s all they know. It’s their mantra. Jawdees can never see past their own noses and maybe if, just if, they cast their dead eyes a bit higher they would see a board that appoints and sacks managers like contestants on a game show. Even though the club chairman called all jawdee women ”dogs” and (correctly) stated that grown men buying the clubs overpriced replica kits were idiots, the jawdess are still demanding managerial blood rather than that of the puppet masters. Don’t get me wrong, I love the Newcastle soap opera so I’m all for keeping the current incumbents just where they are and long may they continue to do so. I predict that, after an initial patch of success, the Jawdees under Allardyce will again be playing dull, route one football, only this time not in front of half-a-dozen Bolton chavs but instead thousands of millions of over expectant, emotionally retarded jawdee folk that will demand, as soon as Fat Sam strides through the revolving door, that the win the Premiership, Champions League and the FA Cup, and if, surprise surprise, he doesn’t then Sam Out. Newcastle is the most deadly, and most common, variety of the Premiership deadly chalices, and we should enjoy Fat Sam next season before his inevitable tin tac and the making way for contestant number 23432 to step up and play Newcastle Manager.
One of the best films ever is Wall Street and it is with deep joy that I hear a sequel is now being planned. Along with the eighties nostalgia, big hair and scathing attacks on Reaganomics the best thing about the film is Mr Evil Capitalist himself Gordon Gekko. Douglas was perfect for the role and he seemed to embody the power dressing late eighties in looks alone and his performance should have copped that Oscar. Perhaps the biggest legacy of Wall Street are the quotes that have now entered popular culture with the misquoted ‘’greed is good’’ and ‘’lunch is for wimps’’ thrown around when talk turns to yuppies and the latter end of the 80’s. I love the quotes and still use them to this very day in my office despite the fact that all irony is completely lost on my Cantonese colleagues meaning they either think I am serious or a psychopath. This is how it should be. So when I feel sorry for myself as my colleagues go for lunch en masse for some fried something or other I am again reminded of Gekko; ‘’No feelings. You don’t win ‘em all, you don’t love ‘em all, you keep on fighting and if you need a friend, get a dog’’
I cannot stop spending money. For the first time in my life I have disposable income to burn and there is no end to the amount of consumer tat that you can throw your dollars at here in Hong Kong. I’m now buying things on a whim that I would have spent weeks agonising over back in Londres. The problem is that I am not on a serious amount of wedge to able to buy useful things like cars, yachts or property but I have enough to buy say a Rolex (cheap one) or some other cheap-end high-end consumer tosh. The problem with Hong Kong , as in most of Asia, is that the such a huge gap in wealth that you can only buy something A) very expensive or B)very cheap. In clothing terms you can either buy Gucci or rags, a Rolls Royce or bike, an eight course banquet or some shit in a tray. There is no middle ground and the same can be said for salaries and, although compared to the bankers and lawyers that would laugh their Prada pants off at my meagre earnings, I am earning far and away more than my contemporaries back home with less expenditure now Her Indoors has now found gainful employment. So what to do with this surplus money? The smart thing is to save but that is v boring so my rule of thumb is save half spend half. Even then I struggle to spend that half on anything meaningful so I fritter it away on shit just to give me some consumerist hit. My current drug is clothing and I am splashing out on threads I previously couldn’t afford JUST BECAUSE I CAN. I think it’s some childhood thing coming out and I am now determined to hold on to the money from now on. A fool and his money and all that
Live Earth? Personally I had NO IDEA there was a problem with the environment and I just hope a load of self-righteous, pompous dinosaur ”pop stars” and radical ”new bands” can spread the word of climate change by this huge concert that will change THE LIVES OF MILLIONS. I mean, if nobody gave a tom-tit about greenhouse gasses then Madonna on stage belting out Like A Virgin will CHANGE THE WORLD. Come on people, join the REVOLUTION
Anyone worth their salt loves hip hop and, if you love hip hop, you will know how important Illmatic is. I loved Illmatic for so many reasons. Firstly the music was perfection itself, Primo and Pete Rock in their prime plus Large Pro and Q-Tip providing classic beats. Secondly there was Nas. His lyrical content was peerless, futuristic yet humble but with insightful, almost childlike observations housed in a worldly wise shell. Thirdly, no filler tracks, no skits, no bullshit just 9 songs of joyous, golden age hip hop. The whole album could fit on one side of a C45 tape meaning I had the album in on both sides of a cassette and would just play the other side when I got to the end. Most listeners were aware of Nas before he dropped Illmatic, ever since his debut on Main Source’s ‘‘live at the BBQ’’ people were fiending for more. I got the ”Halftime” 12” based upon his one verse on the seminal posse cut and I was waiting for Illmatic to come out after again, this blazing 12’’. The first single from Illmatic was a weird promo only 12” which I got and was very slightly underwhelmed. Then Illmatic was finally dropped and I got my vinyl copy the week of its released plus all the subsequent 12” singles from the album. You could say I was a paid up member of Nas fan club. And, being honest, I wasn’t 100% blown away with the album.
Squash is a funny old game. Took it up in Thailand over Christmas and carried on over here in Honkers. On paper it is a ludicrous game and trying to hit a small rubber ball away from your opponent seems ridiculous but then so was Pong. In fact I see squash as a 3D version of Pong but with better graphics and added health benefits. Speaking of which this has to be the most tiring activity you can do. I play an hour at a time and, being as I am not much cop, I spend most of that hour chasing the ball around a room like a blind cat – great for burning the fat and cardio. I had my first lesson after missing a month and was very pleased that I had lost little of my technique. When I say technique I mean I can hit the ball like a girl instead of a stroke victim.
As a poor student I once was marooned in Chester for a summer. This being the grim naaarth I had nowt to do but wander the streets entertaining myself with only a black and white Gameboy for company. I would go into the second hand shops and buy random carts in the hope that one would throw up some kind of classic gaming action. Alas, it wasn’t to be and all were complete and utter rubbish. As the Gameboy was almost an obsolete format at this time there were many carts to choose from and I placed myself in the shoes of somebody who had say 30 quid to spend on one game and how they would view their purchase. When I get the same game for pounds then I have a different perspective and I can more or less throw the thing away when I discovered how bad it was whereas if you save all month for the same title you stick with it in the hope it’ll get better. Tenchu: Dark Secret on the DS is one of these games. I am sure there are people that have bought this (for a reputed $50 in the US) and are persevering with it hoping it will get better but they would be kidding themselves. I love a stealth-em-up like the next man and have always had a yearning to play this on the PS but I never got round to it so I was pleased when it arrived on the DS. The PSP version looks very good indeed (more-or-less a straight port I think) so I was hoping for good things. Continue Reading »
So one of the upsides for you, my fans, to this lack of work on my ”plate” is that I can regale you with various insights into my amazing life. As insights go this one is a real cracker so sit down, get out the popcorn and listen to my views on…learning Mandarin!
After such a long time being run by the bastard English you would’ve reckoned on our Hong Kong residents being a little more sophisticated than they are so obviously not. A Cantonese colleague of mine tells the story of flights to China from Hong Kong where your normal reserved Cantonese person will leave Hong Kong and, en route, turn into rabid barbarian once they touch down in the ”motherland”. This is where the the Cantonese are heading and most of my colleagues,Cantonese, are going the same way. When I was based in the central areas the staff were more open but now we’ve moved to this hinterland they have morphed into every other bemused ”man-in-the-street” and walk past in a fearful, pensive fashion because that’s how every one else acts ergo they must do the same. Safety in numbers DO NOT STAND OUT is the aim of the game for these dudes. Me? I stand out like a spare prick at a wedding which gives them the jitters so they avoid me like the plague. Continue Reading »
You really know that a artist, or should I say, an entire musical legacy is dead when your favourite ”underground” rapper makes a record with Lilly fucking Allen. How many times are we prepared to slap and kick this poor drunk hoe that used to be called hip hop but now is only known as simply Pop? Lilly Allen. Common. Wouldn’t believe it if it hadn’t come from the bearded horses mouth.
So what’s a G to do? Seven months on and despite various promises I now find myself back to square one - bored with nothing to do. Literally nothing to do. No work. I am just a token honkey being paid handsomely for doing very little. I honestly don’t believe this is a cynical move on their part but rather a sign of chronic disorganisation plus a smattering of racism in so far that colleagues between my big boss and the poor workers, in other words middle-management, are so inept that they fear somebody,black white or Chinese, that knows what they are doing to such an extent that it makes them look bad. That, plus the fact the Chinese love a honky so immediately my Cantonese colleagues are already one-nil down before kick-off. Continue Reading »
What is the best game in the world ever? Any fule will have a story to tell but I tell thee this and you should believe me when I say that Advance Wars Dual Strike is the best game ever made. Ever. Yes, there is this game and that game but for sheer depth, replayabilty and addictiveness nothing else really comes close. I lost my PSP on the plane to Bangkok last Christmas which is a lesson to anyone thinking it is a good idea to get pissed up in the free bar in business class – there is a downside mine being that my broken PSP is now in the hands of some poor air stewardess and her family. Fair play to them and that broken piece of shit. Enjoy. Anyway, being as I was now gameless I had few options open to me in the ‘’portable gaming’’ stakes – was it to be another PSP or back to the DS that I had run down on these pages little under a year ago? Well, seeing as my main criteria was PORTABLE gaming then there was really only one choice – a DS. Say what you like about the graphics and games when it comes to practicality and portability then DS is the only choice. My PSP broke after too much travel because the widdle drive cannot take any kind of stick and had bust and the more I think about it the more I can see the PSP is a rushed prototype that I am sure will be much better than the first incarnation once the PSP2 is launched in the future. Also, in my defence I did have the original DS and the new model is very sexy and small and so damn practical. All this plus the ability to zipped .nds files from the interweb via the R4 card. Lovely jubbly. By the way the PSP is the same price as DS here so there were no financial constraints here only gaming and practical reasons for the purchase. Continue Reading »
Easter here in honkers so any excuse to get out of the city was, as always, taken. For a change we flew back to Thailand and I left for the airport straight from work on Tuesday such was my desperation to get away. We flew out with Emirates from an unusually quiet Hong Kong airport. The Flight was probably only 10% full so plenty of space to stretch out and out and observe the savory looking passengers on the flight with us. Landed Wednesday morning and the heat experienced simply walking from the plan at that time of the night was incredibly hot. We were up early the next day for the two hour drive from Bangkok to Hua Hin and then to the hotel and the beach.
If ever there reason to throw off a skullcap and quit Judaism then BBQ pork is it. Hong Kong is the mecca of BBQ Pork, or Char Sui as the locals call it, and I am helplessly addicted to it. It’s a Cantonese dish that is very popular in Hong Kong and is very very moorish and inexpensive. It’s the Cantonese equivelant of Fish and Chips or a Hamburger if you are a yank. It’s basically pork that has been marinated in a way that is marvelous and it is often seen hanging in restaurant windows and is distinguished by it’s red colour. I have found a restaurant that does the best BBQ Pork in Hong Kong and I go at least once a week and tonight was that night. When you order it they pull the meat of the hook in the widow and place it on the counter before chopping off a bit of with a meat cleaver. They scoop up the meat, put it on some rice in a box, bit of sauce and then put the lid on. Yours for 25 dollars, (1.50 or 3 dollars). Rice aside is pretty unhealthy but what the hell, pray to Yahweh for forgiveness.
Whilst I am on the subject of my new computer I had a unplesant experience as I was getting off the MTR on my way home. As I stepped of the train a young girl looked at me and smiled but not in that way but in a manner of scared wonder. This girl must of been around 18-20 years old and was either Filipino or Indonesian and I must of been one of the first white people she had ever seen as it was the only reason she would look at me like that. As she walked past, complete with rucksack, I noticed she was with an older Chinese woman and the situation was clear and not uncommon; the girl had just been flown into Hong Kong from some tiny village in the middle of nowhere was being taken to her new home which would be the house or flat of some rich family here in Hong Kong and the place where she would now fill her days being the nanny/housekeeper/slave. Of course I am guessing most of this but based on experience I bet I am 99% right.
I got me a new computer today from Wanchai computer center. It’s an IBM thinkpad and, like Ice Cube, built like a tank yet hard to hit. It’s light, nimble and looks good but popular opinion dictates that only Mac’s look good and everything else is piffle. Well, I like my black minimalist slab and a Mac is only another brand of PC these days so it’s pointless arguing the toss anyway. Seeing as I’ve gone all Chinese I plumped for the Lenovo machine as firstly, I am in the right part of the world for the support and secondly I don’t really buy into the “inferior if it’s Chinese” argument. Lenovo/IBM are overtly Chinese as opposed to Sony, Apple, HP et al who pretend to be Japanese or Americans when all of their machines are in fact made in China.
Back from Hefei today after three days away. The adventure began on Wednesday afternoon. Took a taxi to Wan Chai, coach from Wan Chai to Shenzhen and then on to Shenzen Airport. Once you cross the border into China it feels like a different country and it follows that Shenzen Airport was no match for Hong Kong’s airport. Had some OK noodles before catching the Shenzhen Air flight as I was advised to avoid the food on board the plane. The flight was OK with the odd smattering of white people all looking edgy and out of place (myself included). Once landed we were met by a driver and and there then followed a two hour drive to our eventual destination – Huainan.
